The crew in Star Fox are jerks

I decided to bring out the Nintendo 64 and play Star Fox 64 (since, frankly, I’ve gotten bored of all my 360 games). Other than not being able to do all the cool moves in all-range mode (pretty much dooming me against Star Wolf at Venom), I noticed every single one of your wing mates are nothing but assholes. For some of them, it isn’t as obvious as the first.

Falco

Falco Lombardi

Wow, he was ugly on the 64.

He’s the most obvious asshat. He insults you if you’re incompetent, and insults you when you do something good by sarcasm. It’s because of this that he’s the lesser of the assholes. Okay, that sounds too far out, but follow me for a second. His constant berating of your skills aren’t meant to make you feel bad. They’re meant to motivate. He’s the most skilled of your wingmen, so he knows what he’s doing. He just wants to make sure that you, as the leader, are doing your job as well as you can.

This is a great contrast to another one of your wingmen, who isn’t honest at all, and hides his assholism. Unfortunately, he’s misunderstood.

Or maybe I’m wrong, and he’s just a giant fucking jerkass.

Peppy

Peppy Hare

Now I feel stupid for thinking he was a dog.

He is probably better known for telling you the godly skill of how to perform a barrel roll. Otherwise, he’s seen by most as the biggest source of encouragement on the team… or is he? He always tells you how you’re improving, and becoming more like your father. But do you ever hear him directly compliment you? No. In fact, every time he’s telling you you’re becoming more like your father, he’s telling you that you will never go anywhere without being in your father’s shadow. Every time, he’s telling you you aren’t competent because you’re yourself, but rather, because your father gave you everything he knew.

Of course, since he actually knows how to shoot something, he isn’t the biggest asshole.

Slippy

Slippy Toad

He got shot down 3 times while trying to upload this image

Slippy probably means well, but it’s obvious why Slippy is an asshole. Now, if someone rammed your car because he or she was going 20 over the speed limit while powersliding because he or she lost control on a straight road and they are on the wrong side of the road (sorry for the run-on sentence), you would think that person is a massive asshole. So, since Slippy obviously can’t fly worth shit, he is a massive asshole for even stepping into an Arwing. You would be much better off if he stayed home.

Yes, he’s a half decent mechanic, but you are flying a really expensive spacecraft. He constantly puts the team in danger because he’s such a cretin while in the cockpit. Because of this, he puts the Lylat system in massive danger.

You know what the solution is? Kill Slippy.

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~ by The Slurpee Man on April 18, 2010.

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