A Figure Skating routine for men

I don’t get figure skating. So when I tuned into the Ice Dance competition to see if Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir would win Gold (spoiler: they did), it’s understandable that I would have no clue how well they were doing. When I tuned in again today to see if Joannie Rochette would win a medal (spoiler: bronze), I was even more confused and bored. I could easily make a more entertaining routine than those fools. Here is what I came up with.

Event: Doubles
Music: Richard Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries
Outfits: WWII uniforms; British for male, German for female

It would begin with confusion, as neither of the skaters would be on the ice. Instead, they’re greeted to a Spitfire dogfighting a Messerschmitt (probably models, preferably real). They would both eject from the planes, and parachute onto the ice. Rather than doing a routine where they’re paired with each other, they dance as if they’re against each other. Twirls will be replaced with roundhouse kicks, and they would make shooting gestures with their hands during spins (when exactly they’d do it hasn’t been detailed, chances are I’d let them improvise). At one point, they’d connect with each other with a choreographed punch, and in unison, they would do a back flip. After more spins and flips, the male would connect with a “bullet” to the female skater, at which point, she’d start flailing wildly, and the male would pick her up and raise her over his head in victory for a minute.

I know that props are probably illegal, but the Spitfire and Messerschmitt, logically, could be construed as a means of transportation to the arena. As well, I’m pretty sure the backflips would do well. Even if the skaters were disqualified, it would be the greatest figure skating act ever.


~ by The Slurpee Man on February 26, 2010.

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