Tiger Woods’ real “apology”

If you’ve been living under a rock lately, you wouldn’t know that Tiger Woods had an affair with his ex-wife and it’s become a big scandal, and that he apologized today. Many people have obviously thought the apology wasn’t really his, and was prepared by snakes PR agents. I don’t give a damn whether the apology was real or not (hell, I think he should have just said, “I’m sorry, let’s put that behind me and play some golf”), rather, I wondered if he could let everything out, what would he say. This is that.


Tiger Woods walks to the podium, to make his address to the press…

“Alright guys, we’ve been through a lot, so to lighten the mood, let’s start with a joke. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball. I can at least drive a golf ball 400 yards!”

The journalists are awkwardly silent.

“Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the greatest way to start. I guess I should own up and say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I haven’t been playing golf for the past few months. I’m a bit sorry for the infidelity, but only because of what it was. If you’re wondering why Elin isn’t here, it’s because that woman hasn’t helped me through anything. She wanted me all the time when I was golfing, and when I was ready for some, well, you know, she was always tired. A man needs to be be satisfied. Not only that, but that woman sucked the life out of me. Just nag, nag, nag. As if she doesn’t know who the multi-million dollar athlete is. Also, I’m assuming by now you’ve figured out that all those women weren’t lying, since I’ve basically confirmed that.

“To my sponsors, I’m especially sorry. I like your money, don’t get me wrong, but I’m a sex addict. Sure, when you’re on the top of the world, you don’t need money to get sex, but you sure as hell do to keep it down. How do you think it didn’t get out? Damn straight, I paid every single one of those bitches off. But seriously, I’ll keep golfing, and I’ll keep winning, and everyone will be happy.

“To all the women out there, I’m single. Oh crap, that’s not good. The doctor at the sex rehab clinic told me not to put myself out there. On the subject of sex rehab, it’s going well. I need more tissues and lotion though. Jergens, Kleenex, if you want to talk sponsorship, I’m open.

“Lastly, to the PGA, I’m sorry. I should have just signed the divorce papers and immediately got on the golf course. Because in reality, I’m an athlete. Sure, you tabloid schmoes love to see the scandals, but the fans couldn’t care less about that. Oh sure, ‘he’s not keeping with the gentlemanly tradition of the game’, everyone else on the tour will say. You know what I say to that? Suck it. Beat me, and then we’ll talk.

“So there, my only regret is that I didn’t play golf this whole time. But I’ll be on the course as soon as possible. So someone pass me a goddamn driver!”

A slow, awkward clap is heard in the media, then followed by an ominous silence. A question is uttered from the crowd…

“Sue Johnson, New York Times. Why do you think that this ridiculous showing of utter chauvinism and repulsiveness will get you accepted by the global public? I mean, this offensive ‘apology’, if you can even call it-”

“Shh, I’m trying to hit the green,” interrupted Tiger.

“What?! This isn’t a golf course, have you gone mad?”

“FORE!”, yelled Tiger, as he hit the ball at full force. “See? I still got it.”

“Yeah, you kind of destroyed our camera,” the ESPN cameraman blurted out. “Not complaining, just saying.”

“That would have gone a couple hundred yards too. I want a re-shoot.”

Security then comes in, and takes Tiger Woods away. The press is left baffled, but can only assume one thing: he’s back.

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~ by The Slurpee Man on February 20, 2010.

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