How to High Five a Bear

High Five with a Bear

Not everyone can be this lucky.

It takes a rare person to walk up to one of nature’s most fearsome creatures, and instead of running, rather extends their hand for a high five. Okay, chances are you’ll never be in this scenario with a bear. The bear will most likely shy away from you (believe it or not, despite their killing prowess, they really are docile around humans). But as someone who has high fived a bear, you too can experience this act of awesomeness!

Finding the bear…

Unfortunately, the bear isn’t going to come find you. You’ll have to find it yourself. Of course, chances are if you’re in North America, you’re not far from a bear. There are a few species of bears in North America, the most common of which is the American Black Bear. As well, you have the Cinnamon Bear, the Kermode Bear (the rarest of the bunch), the Grizzly Bear, the Kodiak Bear and the Polar Bear. The rest of the world, you’ve got a lot more choices. The only continents where you won’t get a bear are Africa and Antartica.

Choosing the bear…

A lot of you may be thinking, “A bear is a bear, why does it matter which one I choose?” Well, basically, it determines whether you have balls of somewhat hard steel, or unshatterable lead. If you want to impress people, you will want to go with either the Polar Bear or the Kodiak Bear. Both of these species can get as heavy as 1500+ pounds. The truth is though, you won’t be able to get to these unless you’re in the arctic or on the Kodiak Archipelago. So most of you will have to settle for one of the other, still frightening bears.

High fiving the bear…

Now for the hard part. You can decide to do this in two ways:

  1. Trapping the bear
  2. High fiving him in the wild

Number one is easy. Just trap him in a bear trap, and wait for him to swipe at the cage. Once he does that, put your hand up to his palm. Number two is harder. And as someone who took way number one, I don’t recommend this. But here’s how you can try. First of all, do not act threatening. Second of all, do not have any food on you, or do not smell like food. Approach the bear slowly, try to get him to stand, and then reach your hand out. Bears are smart, they can understand this and will possibly high five you. Or possibly maul your arm off.

Disclaimer: In no way do I want you to go out and actually high five a bear. I am not responsible for any bear attacks you may suffer because of trying to high five a bear. And yes, I really did high five one.

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~ by The Slurpee Man on October 15, 2009.

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